Here Comes the Spring

My goal is to not let more than 3 days go by without writing.....not so successful at that yet if you notice the dates! But I have had a different kind of therapy this week. It's called, "let's reorganize and makeover the entire house"...which has actually been going on since January. And it really is a type of therapy. Out with the old, the worn out, some of the things tied to painful memories. In with the new or different, fresh paint, fresh colors, a new beginning. The ironic thing is, this is the kind of thing Jessica loved. She would have been full of ideas for us! But her good taste has rubbed off on us a little, I hope. For instance, Jessica would not keep anything in her house that she didn't like. I thought that was so cool. She would rather have no furniture than ugly furniture. Me, on the other hand....if I could get it cheap and it met a need, well, I'd take it! But we are now adapting Jess's philosophy. Although, out of practicality, we have not yet arrived at having only things we love in our house, but we're getting there slowly. :)
Doing all this has been a huge undertaking, but a really necessary one. I wrote on my Facebook status that "it's been a long winter and we're ready to embrace the spring". It feels like a prophetic word from the Lord to us. Our "winter" began 3 months before Jessica left us, when we had the sense she would be leaving. We've had a long 6 months of  winter. Even our house seemed to be stuck in it. But now we are beginning to climb out of it, very slowly. It even feels like the grief is lifting a bit for some of us....As these scriptures say, and they are some of the ones I cling to......there is a spring coming...joy...songs...

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.Psalm 126:5

.....I will turn their mourning into gladness Jeremiah 31:13

....weeping may remain for a night, 

 but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

It also feels like the Lord has purpose in all this that we need to move forward into these next few months. The good thing is, I know that anytime we are stepping into new and different areas of life, He is always merciful to move us gently! And in that purpose, I am even believing for some joyful blessings too. Those scriptures sure imply some good stuff is coming. And referring to seasons again, after the spring there is summer. I have always lived in a season mentality. That's what gets me through the tough ones. Winter has to end sometime!  

Recently someone told me that there is such a thing as a "spirit of grief". Meaning that if we are not careful(daily giving all our emotions to the Lord, staying in the word, etc.) grief can take a hold of us in deep and unhealthy ways, giving the enemy victory and keeping us from moving on in what the Lord has. And I believe that is what causes people to divorce, feel suicidal, etc.after a huge loss.

It breaks my heart to see people bound in grief. Although, there are times I see why it might be easier to just lie there and hurt. But that hurts the people around us. It hurts the Lord and ultimately hurts ourselves. All we can do is keep praying for them. 


In our family, I see the Lord's faithfulness to us. I am amazed at the resilience of our younger kids, the strength Mark has, the laughter and love between our girls. I do worry about Cory, I am sure I will until he's strong again. But today the Lord brought a beautiful word....Psalm 139:7-10

"Where can I go from your Spirit? 

 Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there

if I make my bed in the depths,  you are there.

 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 

 if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 even there your hand will guide me,

 your right hand will hold me fast.

The assurance that Christ is with us no matter how dark it gets, that wonderful people are praying, well, I have no doubt that will keep the spirit of grief off my family...and allow the spring to come in all it's fullness.... in Jesus name! 

The Hope Foundation

What a bittersweet weekend this turned out to be, truly the perfect word. Our church had it's annual Devoted Conference and they are always amazing. Worldwide speakers come and it's just a powerful time. But, of course, last year was when we received our gift from the Hope Foundation (a ministry of our church), the cruise. And Jessica was with me.

Going to church in general has been kind of hard for me. A few weeks ago, I couldn't even stay through the entire worship, as my emotions just overtook me, especially when we sang Yahweh. But I figured out it's not just the songs or the worship anointing. It's the building itself. So much of Jess's journey took place in that building. Subconsciously, she's around every corner, or some memory related to her sickness and passing. The cool thing is that our church also meets across town, closer to us, in a theater. One church, two locations is how they define it. So, we went there week before last and it was really right. Kind of a fresh start, but with our same wonderful team of leaders.

Then came time for the conference. Every part of my flesh did NOT want to go. I knew it would bring up lots of memories. But I felt strongly the Lord wanting me to go. And you know, He really poured into my spirit. All of the speakers spoke very strong words....getting into our purpose and destiny, counting the cost, choosing joy, being the lioness' that we are called to be, etc. Really took me out of myself and looking back toward the bigger picture. That's kind of the battle with grief, I think. Keeping your eyes on the eternal......
I was even blessed to meet Lisa Bevere. She's the husband of John, who I wrote about in last blog. All of their books will challenge you like none I've read... (Bait of Satan, Breaking Intimidation, Under Cover, Driven by Eternity,-I'm reading now-, to name a few....and Lisa's....Fight Like a Girl, Kissed the Girls and Made them Cry, Nurture....). Just fyi! Anyways, John and Lisa started the Pearl Alliance, which is one of the ministries we listed as giving donations to in lieu of flowers. They fight human trafficking and have a home for girls in Cambodia. Jessica left some money to that ministry and I was able to look at picture's on Lisa's phone of the actual beds her money purchased. Truly awesome!!!

But finally, on the last night, they did the Hope Foundation for this year. I thought I was prepared......It was wonderful how they blessed some women in need, truly awesome. And they also gave money to A21, which is another human trafficking ministry. But Jessica kept coming up. First in one pastors talk on giving. She shared on Jessica's generosity and giving spirit. She was one of the pastors there when Jess went to heaven. And at the end of the night, they sang a song and showed clips of all the women who had been blessed previously, ending in pictures of Jessica and some with all of us on the cruise.....and the words "In Loving Memory of Jessica Jean Snead".....

I have those same pictures. But the music, the large screen, her beautiful face smiling at us....the great memories that rushed in of that cruise....wow, overwhelming. She seemed more beautiful than I remember. I can't imagine her being more beautiful in heaven, but I bet she is. A friend of mine saw a vision of her in heaven during worship. Saw her in her perfection, laughing and singing. I imagine it, but it's not the same.

In the book "The Shack", he talks about the great sadness. I totally get that. It's so deep, it's deeper than deep, reaching into your soul. And you know inside that it will never, ever totally go away until heaven. That's the kind of emotions that came at me that night. And do every couple weeks, with smaller moments in between. I can push it aside most of the time. I can make choices that help. Like choosing joy, choosing life, receiving daily grace and love from my Saviour. Those are the ways I will get through this year. And believing that next year will be easier. Whether it's the Devoted Conference, her birthday, or the hundreds of reminders of her all around me, I'm looking forward to the day when I can be aware of  them and have a little smile.....without all the tears. That's my HOPE.

Holding Out for A Future

Well, the dog is on hold for a bit....good chance we'd lose him in our crazy house right now. We started doing some painting and then building closets and one thing led to another and now the whole house is a wreck, but in a good way! I feel like we're "setting our house in order". So much got out of order last year, because there just wasn't time and really, it wasn't important...no regrets about that. But now it is time, time to prepare for whatever comes next. And if there's any lesson I've learned well, it's that we have no idea what the future holds. So it's best to be prepared. Not that I don't think about the future. In fact, I think about it a LOT. When I look to the future through the eyes of my pain, I can feel fear and dread. Dread of the coming months, all our birthdays, her birthday, mother's day, spring, summer, fall, winter....knowing that each season will bring us times of great sorrow and longing for Jessica, and many tears. Yet, those aren't the only eyes I am looking through. Through Christ's eyes, I can feel hope, anticipation, purpose, and His love leading us through.

Talking with our pastor this week, I feel greatly encouraged about how I'm handling this "journey". I had determined long ago, when I first came to terms with Jessica's imminent death, that I wanted to do this journey as healthy as I could. Selfishly, I admit. I want to come out of this deep grief stage as quickly as I can, who wouldn't? I know that grief will be my companion to some degree until Jesus comes, but I want to get on with my life and do things that help make Jessica's life and testimony count, even though I'm not sure what that is yet. I want to pick up my guitar and have it not feel like a chore. I want to make plans for family vacations. I don't want to avoid certain places, songs, and stores forever. I want to find joy on this earth, somehow.

I will have to keep looking at my future looking through both sets of eyes. That can't be avoided. Humanity and holiness. His holiness overshadowing my humanity? I'm counting on it. I'm counting on comfort and love and a great future....and maybe even some joy. With or without a dog. :)

The Puppy Garden

"So, they must not have read the book," I told a friend who recently lost someone and was getting a hard time because of the way she was grieving. The book, meaning any grief truths 101 book! I mean the first rule is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve (well, within reason).

Honestly, though, I'm not a big grief book reader. I tried, really! But the ones I'd look through spent a lot of time discussing anger (at God), denial, depression, etc. and I just felt like those were issues that were best addressed in the Word of God or in prayer. And I'm just not the "angry at God" kind of person. Especially with the all ways He's shown His great love for us this year. But I do have a couple I make myself read through, just because I should. And, the GriefShare emails are excellent.  So between reading what I must, talking with friends who have lost loved ones and pastors, I have learned some basic truths about grief that are just that, truths. Like there is no right way to grieve, each person's grief will "look" different.

Or the stages of grief....one way or another, you will go through them. Or how hard the "firsts" are going to be, first holidays, etc.

Well, the big "truth" for me right now is change...lots of it! This also seems to be part of the journey. A few months ago, I hated tattoos. A few months ago, driving to Tennessee alone would have been out of the question. Deep red/maroon highlights?? No problem! (I'll post a pic of those:))....which leads us to the Puppy Garden.

 I am not really a dog person. I've always had cats and we now have 2 large ones. Mine (Daisy) and Jess's (Toby). Yet, over the past few weeks, a dog has started sounding like a great idea! Anyone wants to stop me, feel free. Seriously, our friends in SC had the cutest little Yorkie named Sugar. A sweet (obviously) little thing who hardly barked and, I was told, had the smallest little poops so it wouldn't mess up your yard! Great things to know....I think. But I just loved how he brought such joy to their family.

Then I was thinking about Joy and Jordan and how it would help fill the Jessica void...just a little. And how much work could a little pup be?? We did fine with our pet Betta fish. Until it died.

So, armed with stats and puppy sites to browse, including the Puppy Garden, we're beginning our search for the perfect dog. And a Dog Training for Dummies book might be nice, too! We'll keep you posted. 

Just Another Day

It's just another February day, cold and bleak. One more day I won't see my Jessica. These are the times when I need to renew my mind in prayer and in the word. How easy it would be to linger in the sadness, climb back in bed and just mourn. Yet, the word says that mourning will come, but joy comes in the morning. And I have to tell you, I do have Joy. Without a doubt, the Lord named my littlest girl. She still climbs in my bed and I hold her very close these days. Just by being herself, she helps me immeasurably! For her and my other children, for Mark and even for myself, I will get refreshed and find a word of comfort, read my daily email on grief and get on with my day.

The Lord has more for me than a year of deep sadness, I truly believe. Through this I am to keep moving forward in my destiny, doing those things that I love, that bring happiness, that I hope will make a difference. That is the best thing I can do for my Jessica. Keep telling her story, keep loving on this beautiful family I have, keep honoring Jesus in everything I do. I think that's what she'd want.

The First Week

What does grief look like after the funeral? I am sure it depends on many things, but for me right now, it is an emotional distancing from life. I cannot think about stores, or errands or socializing or my old life too much. It is not like I am thinking about Jessica every minute, but there is just such sadness in my soul. We were privileged to get a glimpse of the workings of eternity, but it feels like the veil has come down somewhat and I am left with memories of those events and scrambling to stay in faith-mode...read the word, read the word, read the word. Do not despair, I tell myself, keep her close, imagine her life in heaven, know that she is thinking about you and those common passions you share will be shared again someday. I wonder, too, how to interact with others around me. Just because I am talking and maybe even laughing doesn't mean I'm okay or want to keep talking. I'm just not a fall apart all the time kind of person anyways.

I am glad for a large family. They are my comfort and I hope I can comfort them. Obviously, Jesus is the source for all our comfort, and I am completely trusting Him for it, even if it needs to be minute by minute.