Thursday, February 25, 2010

Holding Out for A Future

Well, the dog is on hold for a bit....good chance we'd lose him in our crazy house right now. We started doing some painting and then building closets and one thing led to another and now the whole house is a wreck, but in a good way! I feel like we're "setting our house in order". So much got out of order last year, because there just wasn't time and really, it wasn't regrets about that. But now it is time, time to prepare for whatever comes next. And if there's any lesson I've learned well, it's that we have no idea what the future holds. So it's best to be prepared. Not that I don't think about the future. In fact, I think about it a LOT. When I look to the future through the eyes of my pain, I can feel fear and dread. Dread of the coming months, all our birthdays, her birthday, mother's day, spring, summer, fall, winter....knowing that each season will bring us times of great sorrow and longing for Jessica, and many tears. Yet, those aren't the only eyes I am looking through. Through Christ's eyes, I can feel hope, anticipation, purpose, and His love leading us through.

Talking with our pastor this week, I feel greatly encouraged about how I'm handling this "journey". I had determined long ago, when I first came to terms with Jessica's imminent death, that I wanted to do this journey as healthy as I could. Selfishly, I admit. I want to come out of this deep grief stage as quickly as I can, who wouldn't? I know that grief will be my companion to some degree until Jesus comes, but I want to get on with my life and do things that help make Jessica's life and testimony count, even though I'm not sure what that is yet. I want to pick up my guitar and have it not feel like a chore. I want to make plans for family vacations. I don't want to avoid certain places, songs, and stores forever. I want to find joy on this earth, somehow.

I will have to keep looking at my future looking through both sets of eyes. That can't be avoided. Humanity and holiness. His holiness overshadowing my humanity? I'm counting on it. I'm counting on comfort and love and a great future....and maybe even some joy. With or without a dog. :)

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