Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Auto- Pilot Can Fail

So, I've realized this week that much of how I've been surviving this storm is on auto-pilot. We moms are good at auto-pilot. We can look at 3 ingredients in the fridge and create a meal, while thinking about the bank balance, what chores haven't been done and wonder if we've spent enough time with our husbands this week! In my life right now, though, I have added Wednesday appointments to Dr. Fleming's office to my mental calendar, thinking of yummy meals I can make to share with Jess, and frequent calls and prayers regarding her pain. Yes, I pray on auto-pilot and if you're honest, so do you!

So, somehow this week, I "got" disengaged. That's the only way I can describe these emotions that came crashing in on me. It's like a mini movie camera started rolling of watching my girl suffer this last year; all the pain she's been in, the repetititious throwing up, the sticks and pokes to her port, her shrinking body, her tears, her heartache, marriage battles, etc. and it wouldn't stop. Neither would the tears. I mean, I really couldn't get a grip. Like the veil was lifted on how abnormal all this is and I need to take time to process it on a regular basis. Part of it, no doubt, is feeling overwhelmed with my fall schedule with this "other life" I live.

So, I sent out an email to the "sisters" who really have come forward to help carry my burdens, that is, after I finished arguing with myself first.....thoughts like, I shouldn't sent this, I'm being weak.... can't I just get alone with Jesus and fix this? Am I bothering them? Yah, my insecurities at work (and the enemy, I'm sure).

But without a doubt, my spirit was lifted by the prayers of those friends and I was able to get my bearings. I cannot imagine life without prayer. It has been a humbling experience, a challenge to my prayer life (for others) and an encouragement that the Lord IS moving on the prayera of His people...He does hear every prayer for my Jessica and for all of us....and IS answering.
I will write about some other things very shortly, just still catching my breath......

Sunday, September 6, 2009

More bad news

My daughter's cancer is spreading. To her liver and lungs. And ironically, the night before we got the report, Jess had been feeling a new kind of pain, intense, sharp on her right side. This pain is unbearable. How do we get through this next part of the journey? I feel the momentum of the Lord, this journey is going somewhere fast.
We went to my friend, Ann's house for girl game time. Jess is throwing up on the way. We get there, she's masking the pain. The newly increased drugs aren't working, but she finds a way to put it all aside for a few hours. She is witty and fun and it is a wonderful time out in their backyard, even though I keep winning our game. I love how she is determined to live well and find some joy in the midst of this.
At breakfast with Mark, she talks about being in love with and ready to see Jesus, {if all there is here for her is pain and suffering}. Yet pondering the alabaster box, feeling empty handed, what can she offer Him to pour at His feet? A girl with a revelation that takes my breath away.
Ahhhh, this is so much sometimes. have to just keep living life with this torn and tattered heart, yet know it is being held and loved by my Saviour. Ready for healing, though, for all of us.