Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Feeling Like a Clay Pot

Yup, that's about it. Feeling like an old worn out clay pot these days. Last week was absurdly terrible. Nothing made sense. I had all these random emotions at once; anger, sadness, loneliness, more anger....
And I was all the more frustrated because I couldn't pray my way out of it, read my way out of it; even worship was dry, so I was really stuck.
I know I had some justifiable reasons to be there. Finding out my (former) son-in-law had his girlfriend move in with him not even 4 months after Jessica's death, conflicts with him and Kayla, with him putting her stuff (she had once stayed there with he and Jessica) out on the driveway and other little nips at our relationship.... It all just broke my heart. I had to release him into the life he chooses. You might think that's as it should be and you'd be right, except....for how much I love him. In spite of our many conflicts over the years, Cory and I had developed a fairly good relationship. To the point he could respect me, which wasn't easy for him. So, what should've been no big deal hit me harder than I expected.
I've also had some relationship conflicts with friends. And then there's the old "everyone is getting on with their lives, having babies, etc.etc." and so much of that is lost to me. Perhaps there was some self-pity rolling around there, I don't really know. It was just a dark place to be and hard to function.
Whenever weird stuff happens to me where I can't be my normal, positive, everyone means well kind of person, I try to think of who I can relate to.
Last week I was relating to people in depression. I've known several Christians who battle with it. They do all the right things, prayer, reading their bibles, trying to worship, listen to preachers, etc., but can't get out of it. Even well-known believers have been there. And it is certainly a part of the grief process.
So, relating, but without any real answers in this, I came to a magnificent conclusion. Ready? "Be still and know that I am God". Heavy, huh? :)
Job got some revelations, but never any real answers to why he went through what he did. Moses. Why couldn't he go into the promised land, I mean really....hitting a rock with his staff? I've done much worse. And on and on. We go through what we go through because He IS. Because He is all-powerful, all-knowing and is doing as He chooses in our lives. Can I really live with that kind of faith and trust?
Can I trust that if my daughter's destiny was never to have children, to only be on this earth 23 1/2 years, that it's part of a perfect plan? Can I live this life with dark days, sometimes weeks or months, not feeling an ounce of his presence, yet continue on in obedience and literal blind faith, trusting that He'll be on the other side when it's over (not ever really leaving me)? If I have to watch other people that I love die of cancer, will I be okay?
I think the answer is yes. Last week I felt like an empty, dried out, useless clay pot. I felt like I had nothing to give my family, my church, my jobs....just very empty. This week, some much needed refreshing came to me. Some of it from a dear friend who's walked through the fire of grief also, some of it came from a challenging teaching tape from Lisa Bevere, some of it came from hugs from my babies (my hubby was away in Chicago these two weeks), but ultimately Jesus decided it was time and lifted me up and out.
I think I feel like a broken clay pot this week, a little more brokenness, a little more compassion, a lot of thankfulness that I wasn't there longer, and even more understanding of my loss. I'll settle for that.
As long as it was His doing and He never leaves me. But I have that part in writing. :)


  1. mom,
    i found this on youtube.... "dancing with the angels" by monk and neagle
    love you!!!!

  2. I have been reading your stuff for weeks now. Catching up on all that transpired last year and this. Your writing is gripping, compelling, and beautifully put together.

    I am in no way walking through your grief but I am walking through a growth and it hurts like hell. It's requiring me to drop stuff that I cling too so tightly it's as comforting as sucking your thumb as a child. But I wanted you tell you that all God has said to me is Be still and know that I am god. I don't get it I don't like it but since his character is good and has always proven to be so it's easier for me to stop and be still and know that he is God.

    For the record me reading this came right on time for me tonight as I just wrapped up a super sob fest in the tub. Thanks for putting your life out there. It's a blessing.