Saturday, January 2, 2010

Just Missing Her

It's coming up on a month since Jessica left us and I feel like reality is really settling in. And along with it, intense amounts of pain.

I can rejoice that she is in heaven. That's where I picture her most of the time. That's where I feel connected to her. I rejoice that she is cancer free and out of pain. All my memories of the last 2 years involve her at some stage of sickness and I hate that. Now, I picture her with her long, flowing natural hair (no wigs), a healthy beautiful body and laughter, lots of laughter and chatter. And that gives me peace.

But then I think of this new year. Without her. Without dinners, vacations, shopping, talking, talking, and more talking. I saw a preview of a movie tonight I knew we'd both love and thought how I'd tell her about it...

People talk about "shock". I don't think I've been in shock, I'm just really starting to miss her. You can go weeks or even months without seeing someone in your family and you do alright. But I am looking at years....and years and's too much.

It's hard for me to find space and time to cry, but I do, very late at night....and it hurts, but I hear that's how you heal. So, with all these tears, I am definitely on my way to healing....and yes, I know it takes time! :)

But there is grace, really. After a good cry, I feel somehow lifted.

I am meditating a lot on Psalm 23. ...."and even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Those are some pretty awesome promises for someone walking in the shadow of death. Focusing on them will help me get through.

And I will get through. But right now, there's a whole lot of pain. Missing my girl so very much.

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