Here Comes the Spring

My goal is to not let more than 3 days go by without writing.....not so successful at that yet if you notice the dates! But I have had a different kind of therapy this week. It's called, "let's reorganize and makeover the entire house"...which has actually been going on since January. And it really is a type of therapy. Out with the old, the worn out, some of the things tied to painful memories. In with the new or different, fresh paint, fresh colors, a new beginning. The ironic thing is, this is the kind of thing Jessica loved. She would have been full of ideas for us! But her good taste has rubbed off on us a little, I hope. For instance, Jessica would not keep anything in her house that she didn't like. I thought that was so cool. She would rather have no furniture than ugly furniture. Me, on the other hand....if I could get it cheap and it met a need, well, I'd take it! But we are now adapting Jess's philosophy. Although, out of practicality, we have not yet arrived at having only things we love in our house, but we're getting there slowly. :)
Doing all this has been a huge undertaking, but a really necessary one. I wrote on my Facebook status that "it's been a long winter and we're ready to embrace the spring". It feels like a prophetic word from the Lord to us. Our "winter" began 3 months before Jessica left us, when we had the sense she would be leaving. We've had a long 6 months of  winter. Even our house seemed to be stuck in it. But now we are beginning to climb out of it, very slowly. It even feels like the grief is lifting a bit for some of us....As these scriptures say, and they are some of the ones I cling to......there is a spring coming...joy...songs...

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.Psalm 126:5

.....I will turn their mourning into gladness Jeremiah 31:13

....weeping may remain for a night, 

 but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

It also feels like the Lord has purpose in all this that we need to move forward into these next few months. The good thing is, I know that anytime we are stepping into new and different areas of life, He is always merciful to move us gently! And in that purpose, I am even believing for some joyful blessings too. Those scriptures sure imply some good stuff is coming. And referring to seasons again, after the spring there is summer. I have always lived in a season mentality. That's what gets me through the tough ones. Winter has to end sometime!  

Recently someone told me that there is such a thing as a "spirit of grief". Meaning that if we are not careful(daily giving all our emotions to the Lord, staying in the word, etc.) grief can take a hold of us in deep and unhealthy ways, giving the enemy victory and keeping us from moving on in what the Lord has. And I believe that is what causes people to divorce, feel suicidal, etc.after a huge loss.

It breaks my heart to see people bound in grief. Although, there are times I see why it might be easier to just lie there and hurt. But that hurts the people around us. It hurts the Lord and ultimately hurts ourselves. All we can do is keep praying for them. 


In our family, I see the Lord's faithfulness to us. I am amazed at the resilience of our younger kids, the strength Mark has, the laughter and love between our girls. I do worry about Cory, I am sure I will until he's strong again. But today the Lord brought a beautiful word....Psalm 139:7-10

"Where can I go from your Spirit? 

 Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there

if I make my bed in the depths,  you are there.

 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 

 if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 even there your hand will guide me,

 your right hand will hold me fast.

The assurance that Christ is with us no matter how dark it gets, that wonderful people are praying, well, I have no doubt that will keep the spirit of grief off my family...and allow the spring to come in all it's fullness.... in Jesus name! 

Auto- Pilot Can Fail

So, I've realized this week that much of how I've been surviving this storm is on auto-pilot. We moms are good at auto-pilot. We can look at 3 ingredients in the fridge and create a meal, while thinking about the bank balance, what chores haven't been done and wonder if we've spent enough time with our husbands this week! In my life right now, though, I have added Wednesday appointments to Dr. Fleming's office to my mental calendar, thinking of yummy meals I can make to share with Jess, and frequent calls and prayers regarding her pain. Yes, I pray on auto-pilot and if you're honest, so do you!

So, somehow this week, I "got" disengaged. That's the only way I can describe these emotions that came crashing in on me. It's like a mini movie camera started rolling of watching my girl suffer this last year; all the pain she's been in, the repetititious throwing up, the sticks and pokes to her port, her shrinking body, her tears, her heartache, marriage battles, etc. and it wouldn't stop. Neither would the tears. I mean, I really couldn't get a grip. Like the veil was lifted on how abnormal all this is and I need to take time to process it on a regular basis. Part of it, no doubt, is feeling overwhelmed with my fall schedule with this "other life" I live.

So, I sent out an email to the "sisters" who really have come forward to help carry my burdens, that is, after I finished arguing with myself first.....thoughts like, I shouldn't sent this, I'm being weak.... can't I just get alone with Jesus and fix this? Am I bothering them? Yah, my insecurities at work (and the enemy, I'm sure).

But without a doubt, my spirit was lifted by the prayers of those friends and I was able to get my bearings. I cannot imagine life without prayer. It has been a humbling experience, a challenge to my prayer life (for others) and an encouragement that the Lord IS moving on the prayera of His people...He does hear every prayer for my Jessica and for all of us....and IS answering.

I will write about some other things very shortly, just still catching my breath......