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There's no doubt about it. This is a hard month for me, for all of us. On one hand, this past year went by so quickly but on the other, it seems like yesterday my sweet girl was here, loving us, laughing and making the best out of her impossible situation. I can still hear her laugh and her chatter and I still really miss it all.
The sights and sounds of Christmas remind me of the great sadness of last year, of the suffering Jessica endured day after day. Christmas hymns seem to trigger the most emotion. Songs of the joy and celebration of this season that were so hard to find last year are all reminders of the one who is missing from our family.
But in the midst of this, I'm determined to look a little harder for the joy this season. When it comes down to it, we have an unbelievable amount of things to be thankful for, moments to celebrate and reasons to rejoice.
It all begins and ends with the amazing gift of Christ Jesus. I have no words to express what my life would mean without His presence, His love, His perfect plan of an eternity together, all because of His ultimate, beautiful, matchless, gift of self sacrifice. Without it, I would never see my family again after death. Can you imagine that? Without His plan of filling the earth with a people that love and adore Him, we would have no children, no husbands, no mother, fathers, grandparents or friends. Our lives would have no connecting point centered on Him...the church, the body of Christ. We'd have no reason for it. We'd have no music, no art, no cuddly kittens, or playful pups. The tastes that delight us, the sounds that soothe us, the simple things that make us smile all originate from an amazing Creator. It is all His creation, His gifts to an undeserving people.
Any why? That is what is hardest to comprehend; this kind of love that is so amazingly unselfish, perfect and complete in every way and is bestowed unconditionally upon us......wow. Yet, how much do we really embrace it? How much do we believe in it? That that love is for you, all of it. A love that never, ever leaves us. Even when we don't return it, it is there. When we're selfish, sinful and prideful, it is there. When we're feeling the shame of the past, or scared about the future, it is there. And in our darkest hours of sorrow and sadness, it is most definitely there.
Everything we are searching for in this season, no matter where you are in life, can be found in this love.The things to be thankful for, the reasons to celebrate and reasons to rejoice are found in the love of a perfect Saviour. All the we are lacking, all that we hope for, all the deepest longings of our heart can be filled by such a love.
As I reflect on that perfect, innocent child of God come to earth as a babe, I see His love manifested right before my eyes. It's been here since before time began and will exist into eternity, but the important thing is that it's here for us, today, right now, right where we are, right when we need it.
Love has done amazing things in our family this year, through the darkest days we've ever known. I hope and pray wherever you are, whatever is going on in your life, that you know and embrace the love of Emmanuel (God with us). It is a powerful, wonderful and amazing gift!
"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" 1 John 4:9-10
Merry Christmas!
Well, it's been more than a "few days", but it's given me time to reflect on all that's happened these past few weeks....and of course, learning how to move forward without caring for Jessica full-time as well as being without her presence. She wasn't herself these last few weeks and we all knew it, but in my heart she was and still is my chatty, abundantly full of life and love, funny, thoughtful, interesting daughter.
I miss her coming into my room, plopping on the bed and sharing her heart....or the latest Hollywood gossip :). I miss our meal plans....and we could plan meals!! We loved looking through recipes and had just started our subscription to "Food Network" magazine....I miss the way she worried about all of her siblings and was sure she could fix their problems somehow. And how she always looked out for me, always so sensitive if she saw me overdoing it or stressed out....and so much more. We learned to read each other well through all this and didn't end up using a lot of words at the end. I really thought that when she died, it would rip out part of me because our lives were so entwined. And there is definitely some of my heart missing... figuratively speaking, of course!:) But, I have learned something. When you love as deeply as most of us mothers love our children, and the one you love is in agonizing, terrible pain, your heart is actually hurting too much to want to hang on to them. Letting her go, encouraging her to go, begging God to take her home was all I could do at the end. And my heart is now at peace, because my girl is.
Mark feels exactly the same..... as do all the children. Jessica's suffering was just too great. Kayla, Alex,Jordan, and even Joy, though they've all had their very hard moments, are really, really glad she's not hurting anymore.
The memorial service to Jessica was just as she would have wanted, I have no doubt. Many of us dressed in pink, or wore some form of pink for Jessica, including Cory and Mark who actually wore pink dress shirts!! and Jordan in his pink beanie. She did not want a dark, drab funeral and we honored that. Our church has a 60' screen that they had written across "In Memory of Jessica Jean Snead". Seeing that beautiful name so big like that was my first breakdown. A few of us in the family shared a little of our journey with Jessica including Alex, Mark and I and the previous letter from Alyssa. Music included a very talented singer in our church singing The Climb (Miley Cyrus) and closing with It is Well with Our Soul, as well as other worship. Our worship team did such an amazing job. A lady who worked with Jessica had offered to put together a slide show and did a fabulous job! But of course there were so many tears seeing Jessica's entire life go by in 20 minutes. Finally and best of all, over 20 people raised their hands in response to our pastor's invitation for people to accept Christ as their Lord and Saviour. Jessica was most certainly rejoicing in heaven!
We wrote a little about Jessica's passing, but I cannot stop reliving the awesome event that it was. The dying process had actually had started the night before but we didn't know it. I only slept an hour because she was groaning so, and we were told it was her meds causing that sound. She began to lose focus and her lungs had had enough, so the doctor told us late in the morning we didn't have long. The reason I share all this, is because death can happen quickly or it can be a long, drawn out process. The Lord was perfectly merciful to all of us in not letting it be drawn out, but giving enough time for all the family to be there who wanted to as well as our pastors that her gradual entrance into heaven be witnessed by all of us. He didn't have to let us see that, but He did. He wanted us to see that heaven is very real, that Jessica was going to be very glad to go there (that final, amazing smile on her face said it all), and that we could rest knowing all these things, as well as share the story with others who wonder about afterlife. I realize that we have the assurance of salvation if we have accepted Christ, but there is something amazingly powerful about witnessing any kind of a glimpse of eternity. We realize that eternity is so much closer than we think.....truly just a breath away!
Jessica even made us chuckle in the last minutes (between our tears). At that point, many of her words were indistinguishable and slurred. Well, she was listening to all of us tell her to go ahead and go, she didn't need to fight any longer, etc. just releasing her. Suddenly we hear her say, "I'm trying!". That was so cute. Then she says "should I stop breathing?". She was being so sweet and innocent, just trying to do what she thought she was supposed to! But we did also get to hear her utter some last "I love you's" and a few of those beautiful words describing heaven. That sight remains forever etched in all of our hearts who were there.
This journey that started over 18 months ago and probably longer if we read Jessica's symptoms prior to that, has been long and difficult, although we know of many people who travel the cancer road much longer, some for years and years. The thing that just astounded our family though, and truly made the journey much, much lighter was the many, many (yes, I'm repeating words a lot here) people who journeyed with us. You just don't expect people to stay the course that long. Yet, we have so many faithful friends and church family who never let us go. They held us close in prayer, they checked on us constantly. They fed us, blessed us in unique ways and kept us on a steady diet of faith and hope-filled words. I am crying just thinking about it. And the doctor God sent us couldn't have been better. He encouraged us to keep believing against the odds, even when his scientific mind told him there was no hope. He let Jessica lead and that empowered her till the very end. All in all, God has been very good to us, in what could've been a lonely, depressing, pain-filled road.
If you ever, and I pray you don't, ever have to endure such a journey, may you know the love of the Saviour who never lets you walk alone, who holds you close through every painful moment, and who can ultimately reunite you with the ones who have gone to heaven ahead of you.
And may you also know what it is to have a family of believers around you. There are amazing people out there who are ready to do life with you. You can find them in any good, local church if you are willing to step out and become a part of it.
Well, those are a few of my thoughts, but if it helps any, they are backed up by many great bible verses!
So, unless we get an amazing miracle Jess won't be coming home from the hospital. She is having a very hard time and we are making final preparations. She is in a lot of pain so they have changed her medication now to something stronger than ever. She is hurting in so many places, has no appetite at all now and just wants to rest.
So, we want her to have the perfect rest...which can only come in the arms of Jesus.
We don't know if we have a day or two or not. Just saying our goodbyes and trying to keep her comfortable.
The cards and gifts have just blessed her so much!! You will never know how much....
Probably don't need to send them any longer unless you'd like to send any to Cory.
I cannot say enough about the support we have from our church. It seems like the entire leadership team has made themselves available and have lifted so many burdens from us, standing (or sitting :)) with us, helping with details, emotional support for the kids, etc. We can just focus on spending this time with our girl....which I am going to do right now. Back to the hospital!
Thank you Wave Church, thank you friends for your love, calls, support and prayers.
In all this we know our God IS good and we trust Him more than ever before with our hearts, our lives and our future.
