The Hope Foundation

What a bittersweet weekend this turned out to be, truly the perfect word. Our church had it's annual Devoted Conference and they are always amazing. Worldwide speakers come and it's just a powerful time. But, of course, last year was when we received our gift from the Hope Foundation (a ministry of our church), the cruise. And Jessica was with me.

Going to church in general has been kind of hard for me. A few weeks ago, I couldn't even stay through the entire worship, as my emotions just overtook me, especially when we sang Yahweh. But I figured out it's not just the songs or the worship anointing. It's the building itself. So much of Jess's journey took place in that building. Subconsciously, she's around every corner, or some memory related to her sickness and passing. The cool thing is that our church also meets across town, closer to us, in a theater. One church, two locations is how they define it. So, we went there week before last and it was really right. Kind of a fresh start, but with our same wonderful team of leaders.

Then came time for the conference. Every part of my flesh did NOT want to go. I knew it would bring up lots of memories. But I felt strongly the Lord wanting me to go. And you know, He really poured into my spirit. All of the speakers spoke very strong words....getting into our purpose and destiny, counting the cost, choosing joy, being the lioness' that we are called to be, etc. Really took me out of myself and looking back toward the bigger picture. That's kind of the battle with grief, I think. Keeping your eyes on the eternal......
I was even blessed to meet Lisa Bevere. She's the husband of John, who I wrote about in last blog. All of their books will challenge you like none I've read... (Bait of Satan, Breaking Intimidation, Under Cover, Driven by Eternity,-I'm reading now-, to name a few....and Lisa's....Fight Like a Girl, Kissed the Girls and Made them Cry, Nurture....). Just fyi! Anyways, John and Lisa started the Pearl Alliance, which is one of the ministries we listed as giving donations to in lieu of flowers. They fight human trafficking and have a home for girls in Cambodia. Jessica left some money to that ministry and I was able to look at picture's on Lisa's phone of the actual beds her money purchased. Truly awesome!!!

But finally, on the last night, they did the Hope Foundation for this year. I thought I was prepared......It was wonderful how they blessed some women in need, truly awesome. And they also gave money to A21, which is another human trafficking ministry. But Jessica kept coming up. First in one pastors talk on giving. She shared on Jessica's generosity and giving spirit. She was one of the pastors there when Jess went to heaven. And at the end of the night, they sang a song and showed clips of all the women who had been blessed previously, ending in pictures of Jessica and some with all of us on the cruise.....and the words "In Loving Memory of Jessica Jean Snead".....

I have those same pictures. But the music, the large screen, her beautiful face smiling at us....the great memories that rushed in of that cruise....wow, overwhelming. She seemed more beautiful than I remember. I can't imagine her being more beautiful in heaven, but I bet she is. A friend of mine saw a vision of her in heaven during worship. Saw her in her perfection, laughing and singing. I imagine it, but it's not the same.

In the book "The Shack", he talks about the great sadness. I totally get that. It's so deep, it's deeper than deep, reaching into your soul. And you know inside that it will never, ever totally go away until heaven. That's the kind of emotions that came at me that night. And do every couple weeks, with smaller moments in between. I can push it aside most of the time. I can make choices that help. Like choosing joy, choosing life, receiving daily grace and love from my Saviour. Those are the ways I will get through this year. And believing that next year will be easier. Whether it's the Devoted Conference, her birthday, or the hundreds of reminders of her all around me, I'm looking forward to the day when I can be aware of  them and have a little smile.....without all the tears. That's my HOPE.

An Extraordinary Life

I was listening to John Bevere on Life Today tonight. He has a new book out called "Extraordinary", talking about how we as Christians should be living extraordinary lives. I think it's going to be a great read! Paul and the apostles lived such extraordinary lives that people tried to worship them! And sure, we have our Christian "celebrities" today, leaders that have made huge strides in reaching the nations for Christ, but what about us regular folks? Can't we be extraordinary, too?

 I think Jessica was extraordinary. Of course as my daughter, but beyond that. The more I look back and see the choices she made early in her life (not without her mistakes)  and the lifestyle she insisted on living, the more I say, "wow"! She always wanted to take the higher ground, the road less traveled, and didn't seem to think that was unusual. But, as I look around me and watch this generation, I see how unusual it was. We are blessed to be part of a church that is challenging this generation to take the higher ground, but it isn't easy and can take years to desire that standard.

Early on Jessica desired a walk that included purity. She went to conferences, read books and listened to music that encouraged it, like Rebecca St. James. And even when she went through her season of trying to fit in, to be cool with her community college friends, she never got comfortable there. She'd talk to me on the phone and tell me how empty all that was. Her dream was simple; marriage and a family, and then some kind of ministry that would do amazing things. And even though she and Cory had some rough times in the beginning, (as do many young marrieds:)), they held tight with plans and dreams that they both shared....dreams of changing the world. I know the enemy hated those talks and plans and often tried to come between them. Cory would be the first to tell you that Jessica was the one who kept wanting more and more, more Jesus, more pure living, more adventures in Him. And that made him love her all the more, because she saw him through those same eyes. She believed in his potential and helped him believe in himself. They didn't hook up their TV the first year of marriage. I thought that was cool. They didn't watch R rated movies, didn't buy secular books, in fact, most of the books in their house were Christian. Jess wanted nice things, but was never really materialistic. Even her clothes passion was met with sales and thrift stores! And it's not because any of those things are terrible in themselves, it's just the way she wanted to live to guard her heart and mind. And yet, she kept life fun and interesting. No boring Christianity for her!

That girl had so many plans of what she would do when she was healed. The ideal life to Jessica would've been the two of them becoming missionaries overseas. Followed up by volunteering at the Children's Hospital, designing notecards to raise money for human trafficking, helping women who needed fashion input to get jobs, adopting orphans.... I could go on and on. Her heart was always bigger than her finances or free time! Even cancer couldn't quench that. As I've written before, she just wanted to do good in the midst of it all.

I have wondered, as I look back, why people are so touched by her story and her life. To me, she was just Jessica, full of life and love, anxious and scared sometimes,  an ordinary girl. But obviously, there was something that made people stop and take notice. An ordinary girl living her life in an extraordinary way perhaps?
Perhaps. And perhaps people are watching us, too. Perhaps they are saying, I love how that person is living their life, so full of life and love. I wonder why they are like that?
And then again, maybe the hard times of life have sucked the extraordinary out of us. I hope not. I hope that doesn't happen to me. In fact, I'm claiming right now, an extraordinary life. From this day forth, I'm going to look at ways to make my life a little more extraordinary. To be ex·traor·di·nar·y  adj.:

1. Beyond what is ordinary or usual:

2. Highly exceptional; remarkable: 

3. Employed or used for a special service, function, or occasion:
And I would add:
4. To be like Jesus, the perfect example.

This is our time to be more like Him, live like He did. Live in such a way that people take notice. Step out from our ordinary lives a bit.....just like a precious 23 year-old girl, who thought her life was very ordinary and has proved she was much more than that!

Holding Out for A Future

Well, the dog is on hold for a bit....good chance we'd lose him in our crazy house right now. We started doing some painting and then building closets and one thing led to another and now the whole house is a wreck, but in a good way! I feel like we're "setting our house in order". So much got out of order last year, because there just wasn't time and really, it wasn't important...no regrets about that. But now it is time, time to prepare for whatever comes next. And if there's any lesson I've learned well, it's that we have no idea what the future holds. So it's best to be prepared. Not that I don't think about the future. In fact, I think about it a LOT. When I look to the future through the eyes of my pain, I can feel fear and dread. Dread of the coming months, all our birthdays, her birthday, mother's day, spring, summer, fall, winter....knowing that each season will bring us times of great sorrow and longing for Jessica, and many tears. Yet, those aren't the only eyes I am looking through. Through Christ's eyes, I can feel hope, anticipation, purpose, and His love leading us through.

Talking with our pastor this week, I feel greatly encouraged about how I'm handling this "journey". I had determined long ago, when I first came to terms with Jessica's imminent death, that I wanted to do this journey as healthy as I could. Selfishly, I admit. I want to come out of this deep grief stage as quickly as I can, who wouldn't? I know that grief will be my companion to some degree until Jesus comes, but I want to get on with my life and do things that help make Jessica's life and testimony count, even though I'm not sure what that is yet. I want to pick up my guitar and have it not feel like a chore. I want to make plans for family vacations. I don't want to avoid certain places, songs, and stores forever. I want to find joy on this earth, somehow.

I will have to keep looking at my future looking through both sets of eyes. That can't be avoided. Humanity and holiness. His holiness overshadowing my humanity? I'm counting on it. I'm counting on comfort and love and a great future....and maybe even some joy. With or without a dog. :)

Big Adventure

Hard to believe it, but I endured a tattoo!! I read a book recently written by a lady who lost her daughter to cancer (a VERY similar journey to ours) where she talked about "altars of rememberance." When Noah (the bible one) finally was able to leave the ark, he built an altar of rememberance, an altar to remember the goodness of God to him and his family. Her altar is a foundation in her daughter's name. While I may do other things in the future, my tattoo is mine right now, something to remember the goodness of God. He allowed me 23 precious years with Jessica, who's name means "grace of God or God sees", He never left our side during those long 18 months, and He still walks with us through our valley of the shadow of death. Just a little mark to remember, not that I'll ever forget!

Cherishing the Moments

At this point, no one can give us an exact timetable, but Jessica's kidney's are failing quickly. Once the kidney completely fails, she will not be with us long. She is suffering with swollen legs and feet along with her abdomen.

She is spending her time organizing things between many short naps, writing notes,hanging with Cory and her siblings and having short visits with people. She is still amazingly beautiful and sweet and sensitive and can still make us laugh.....her and I have late, late nights together watching Dr. Quinn or Christy reruns and talking while I rub her legs and feet or back. These are times I will cherish forever.....

How do you prepare to say goodbye to a beautiful person like this whom you have loved for over 23 years? Right now all we can do is enjoy each minute of each day we have together, hug and kiss her as much as she will let us, and keep talking it all through, keeping the big picture in sight as much as is possible.

One day at a time right now.

Jessica is loving the Christmas cards that have been coming in the mail. On Facebook we had asked people to send Christmas cards to bring some Christmas cheer into Jessica's world. Anything to see her smile......

About Her

There's a sidebar that says About Me. But what I like to talk about a lot is her. I mean, I love to talk about all my kids (what mom that doesn't), but with Jess facing what she is, well, she deserves a little extra attention. First of all, she is truly beautiful. She's always has been my dark-eyed, dark-haired beauty. I know she has insecurities about this or that, but what comes through when you spend any time with her, is her sweet and gentle beauty. Jess truly cares about people. She will actually listen when you talk and be thinking all along if there's anything she can do for you. I don't think a day goes by when she doesn't ask ME if I need anything. Pain, nausea, exhaustion, etc., and she'll STILL ask me! Like I'm going to say, sure, honey, could you cook me up a steak?! But that's just her way and I love it. She's also generous in a way that says, I was thinking of you and remembered you love this or were craving that, or whatever. Without ever expecting anything in return. People might say she's a people pleaser and maybe there's some of that in her, but you can't force someone's heart to be that tender, no matter the motive.
Jess is also very witty. It's a natural kind of humor that is hard to explain. She can impersonate any of us in the family to a tee and yet also see some crazy point of view in a situation that no one else can and make a joke of it. I know that laughter has helped us all go from one medical situation to the next. Even during chemo, she'd find something for us to laugh about.
I know I could write pages about her. About her love for the Lord, how her personal relationship with Him that has grown in leaps and bounds since this first began Or her creative side. She can draw or decorate or design things in minutes. She has a fashion style that is uncanningly ahead of it's time. I will see her wear something and the next month it's in every store! Or her strength and courage. Losing your hair and eyelashes, surgeries, bad reports, chemo, sickness upon sickness? Maybe some sadness, but she never complains, never.
Ultimately, my Jess is in so many ways still just a girl who's facing a very big giant and wants to be rescued, delivered and given her life back. But the fact that she can remain her strong, beautiful, funny, caring self in the face of that? Well, she's just being the amazing girl I've always known her to be and who she will continue to be long after she is healed from cancer.